Growing up is hard. Teenagers, in particular, face some unique challenges. The emotional side of their brains begins to develop very rapidly, allowing for richer and fuller relationships with others. But that new emotional depth can also make navigating teen friendships quite challenging–both for teens and for parents!
In part, that’s because friendships are one of those areas where teens can be fiercely independent. Parents, on the other hand, want to protect their teenagers from making mistakes. These competing impulses can lead to some friction. Luckily, there are plenty of ways that parents can have a positive influence–and help your middle school or high school aged child navigate new and growing friendships.
Friendships are Important During Adolescence
In younger children, friendships are pretty easy: you just set up a playdate and let them build Legos (or play video games) together. But middle school friendships and high school friendships can become increasingly more complex. That’s because your teen’s brain is developing continuously–and the emotional centers in particular see substantial growth.
As a result, teen friendships tend to be more emotional. At first glance, this might sound like a bad thing–but the added emotional depth is critical to helping your teen mature. Teenage friendships can help your child learn how to:
Balance empathy with their own emotional needs.
Express their emotional needs.
Handle ups and downs in relationships.
Middle school and high school friendships can be essential to helping your teen feel accepted. Friendships can also help your teen feel happy–and for that reason alone, they are essential to your child’s growth and wellness.
Signs of Healthy vs. Unhealthy Friendships
Teenagers are famous for staking out their independence and individuality. They tend to push parents out to a more comfortable distance. And while that behavior is perfectly normal, it can make it difficult for parents to see the signs of unhealthy friendships. You can help your child navigate teen friendships by discussing some of these red flags with them.
Signs of an unhealthy high school or middle school friendship may include the following:
Attempting to isolate your teen from their other friends or family or makes them feel guilty for spending time with others.
A significant age gap between your teen and their friend.
Criticizing the way your child dresses or eats or other little things–especially if it’s consistent.
Creating significant and negative changes to your teen’s behavior, especially if those behaviors are self-destructive.
Blaming your teen for their problems (or generally just blaming others for anything bad that happens).
Creating feelings of anxiety and/or depression in your teen.
Encouraging your teen to keep secrets from you.
Behaving in a way that feels manipulative or bullying.
In general, having a friend should be a positive experience. Still, it’s important to emphasize to your middle school or high school aged teen that not every friend will necessarily need to be their best friend. It’s okay to stop hanging out with someone who does not make you feel safe and accepted for who you are.
A Note About Social Media
It’s important to note that social media has significantly changed the dynamic of teen friendships. As a result, navigating teen friendships is a little harder. That said, the qualities of healthy friendships remain largely the same–and these healthy qualities can be a helpful guidepost to parents and teens alike.
How Parents Can Encourage Positive Peer Relationships
If you’re a parent, it’s important to remember that you can’t control who your child decides to be friends with–especially not once they’re a teenager. But there are some things you can do to encourage positive friendships:
Ask your teen about (and help them think through) what qualities they are looking for in a good friend.
Make sure to highlight good qualities in your teenager’s peers.
Encourage your teen to socialize the way they like to socialize. They don’t have to be the life of the party if they’d rather sit down and chat with someone over lunch.
Support your teen’s judgment. And let them know you’re around to bounce ideas off of and that you can help.
Ensure that your child feels safe, valued, and accepted for who they are. If your child does not feel safe or accepted with you, none of these other things can really happen anyway.
Model healthy friendships in your own social life.
When Your Teen Needs Help Navigating Teen Friendships
When issues pop up for your teen, they may require some help navigating those ups and downs. Here’s what you can do as a parent:
Be supportive! Remember that you are there to offer support–not to tell your child “I told you so.”
Take your child’s issues seriously. Yes, it may just seem like “teenage drama” to us adults. But that doesn’t mean your teenager isn’t experiencing very real feelings about the issue. If you treat the issue seriously, your child is more likely to come to you for help.
Be a good listener. Sometimes, all your child wants to do is vent.
If a new friend group is needed, consider encouraging your child to join after school clubs or activities.
Friendships Are Important!
Healthy friendships are incredibly important for your child. If you have questions about how to help foster those friendships, you can always talk to your child’s pediatrician. If you have questions about your child’s social, emotional, or physical health, contact our Chicago or Northbrook offices today to schedule an appointment!