Raising teenagers is never easy. In fact, when you’re in the process of raising young children, you may often hear a common refrain from older parents: “Just wait until they’re a teenager.” The implication is clear. Luckily, communicating with your teen may hold a solution.
After all, raising teenagers isn’t all chaos and stress. As with any other part of your child’s life, there are profound joys to be had. And great communication can smooth out much of the turbulence you may encounter. Talking with your teen on a regular basis can help your family tackle challenges–including those related to your teen’s health, habits, and growth.
It’s no surprise, then, that communicating with your teen in a way that’s safe, productive, and supportive is critical to their overall health and wellness.
Communicating with Your Teen Openly and Honestly is Important
The teenage years represent an interesting time period in your child’s physiological, emotional, and social development. In some ways, your child is likely to be more independent than ever; they probably don’t require your assistance when it comes to meal times (they may even make their own meals) or daily tasks in quite the same way that they used to. Many teenagers can even drive and bike–taking care of all their transportation needs all on their own.
And yet, in other ways, your teen may be more dependent on you than ever. It’s just that what they need has changed, and What your teen needs during these years is more fundamental: Your teen requires your support and your experience.
The teenage brain has a particularly challenging time thinking long term–it’s not always natural for teens to think through the consequences of their actions. That’s why it’s vital for teenagers to come to their parents when they have questions. But teens can’t make sound choices if they are not given the information they require–that is, if parents hide certain information or attempt to manipulate a particular response.
If your teens don’t trust you–and if they can’t trust your advice and your answers–then they are more likely to seek that guidance elsewhere. As a result, open and honest communication is critical. When you’re communication with your teen, this may take several forms:
Being transparent about your own experiences, even if they are unflattering or difficult.
Giving your teen the information they ask for and (generally) not shielding them from information you don’t want them to know.
Being honest when you don’t know something. (It can be a challenge for parents to say, “I don’t know”--but it really is a helpful response.)
How Do You Improve Parent-Teen Communication?
Talking with your teen can be a challenge (as there are often emotions involved). But there are some strategies you can use to help facilitate healthy communication. Some of those strategies include the following:
Make sure your child feels safe: Avoid judging or criticizing your teen as a person. Instead, allow them to explore their identity and encourage them to be fully who they are.
Ask open ended questions: Questions that require more than a one-word answer can encourage your child to open up a little more and share more than they otherwise would. Sometimes your teen will give you a one word answer no matter how open-ended the question (it’s one of their super powers) but more often than not an open-ended question can help encourage them to share.
Make sure to use “I feel” statements: There’s a big difference between “You hurt me” and “I feel hurt.” This can facilitate communication, especially when emotions are running high.
Limit distractions during conversations: Set aside some time every day to give your teenager your undivided attention. This can–but doesn’t have to–happen around the dinner table every day. Or you can check in before bed
Validate what your teenager says and feels: You can certainly disagree with your teen! But it’s important that your teenager feels you always have their back and will support them.
Avoid interrogation: Using quick fire questions or other “interrogation” tactics will not facilitate meaningful communication–it’ll probably just make your teen feel like they’re under attack.
Listen: It’s tempting to dole out advice right away. You want to solve your teen’s problems! But it’s important to listen first.
As a parent, you can still absolutely have boundaries and rules. But it’s important to avoid labeling your teen. Avoid saying things like, “You’re such a slob to live in your room like that.” Instead, try something like, “I’m feeling pretty upset that you didn’t clean your room like you said you would. Would you please make sure to clean it now?”
Handle Difficult Conversations with Sensitivity
It’s entirely possible that your teen will present you with a difficult topic or two as they move towards adulthood. It’s important to handle these conversations with sensitivity. This may look different for every family. In these situations, however, it’s important to avoid judging your teenager–instead, it might be helpful to share some of your own experiences and to empathize with your teen.
Good Communication Builds Trust
Good communication builds trust–and that trust also makes further communication possible. For some families, this trust will be there immediately. For other families, trust may take some time to build. It’s okay to start slowly and create better communication skills around the little things before expecting to tackle bigger issues.
It’s also okay to get some help when you’re having a hard time starting a dialogue. One of those places to get help is from your teen’s pediatrician, who can provide you with strategies to try or a referral to a specialist.
If you want to talk about communicating with your teen, contact us today to schedule an appointment at our Chicago or Northbrook offices.