Teenagers are famous for their rebellious nature. In part, that’s because teens are famous for their desire to grow and to define themselves on their own terms. Teens have an understandable drive to grow into adulthood, establishing their individuality in the process. That’s one of the reasons why setting expectations for teens is so important. Those expectations provide your family with a common baseline from which to chart the next phase in your teen’s life.
For most parents, your initial expectations may come from your own experience as a teenager growing up. That’s not a bad starting point–but it’s important to acknowledge the important difference between your teenage experience and your child’s.
So how can you set realistic expectations that will both protect your teen and give your teen some room for growth? Well, there are a few tips that might help.
Common Misconceptions About Teenagers
In order to create realistic expectations for your teenagers, it’s helpful to better understand where your teens are coming from. This means challenging some misconceptions about teenage behavior. Some of these misconceptions are passed down via generations–others may be random conspiracies spread on the internet. The important thing is for parents to understand that these misconceptions can prevent you from setting expectations for teens that are effective and realistic.
Some of the most common misconceptions include:
The teenage years are hardest for parents: The teenage years can include some unique challenges. But they certainly do not have to be the most challenging of your time as a parent–and they often aren’t! Thinking about your child’s teenage years as a more joyful time can be helpful.
Your teenager is going through a phase: Teens spend many of their years discovering who they are. It’s part of being a teen! Which means they are likely to adopt some things and drop others. This does not mean that they are going through a “phase,” and using such terminology can often be dismissive of your teenager.
Teenagers tend to be selfish: Teenagers are people! They don’t tend to be more selfish or more mean or more self-entitled than any other group of people.
This list is, of course, not complete. You can always ask your teen’s pediatrician for more of these misconceptions during your child’s regular wellness visit. Letting go of these misconceptions can help you form more useful expectations.
Setting Expectations for Teens That Are Age Appropriate
When it comes to setting expectations for teens, it’s helpful to acknowledge that many of these expectations will revolve around the notion of independence. How independent should you let your teen be? How much of that independence should come with bigger responsibilities?
So how do you set realistic expectations around your teen’s independence? Well, there are a few tips that might help:
Work together to establish boundaries: By the time your child reaches their teenage years, they probably have a pretty good idea as to what’s best for themselves and what their values are–at least in many areas. Use this as a baseline to construct boundaries that you can all agree on.
Be flexible: Remember that boundaries are supposed to nurture your teen–not stifle them. There may be moments where it’s appropriate to reassess the boundaries you have established and expectations you have. It’s useful to perform this reevaluation together.
Discuss your values: What are the things that you care about? What does your teen care about? Your most important values should inform the expectations you set for your teen.
Keep consequences small: In general, small consequences work better than large consequences (especially when they don’t also punish parents). Remember that consequences aren’t necessarily going to change behavior–instead, use them to reinforce your values.
How to Balance Freedom with Responsibilities
Whether you have a great relationship with your child or a rocky one, they will likely use their teenage years to start discovering their freedoms. As a parent, then, it can be challenging to balance that newfound freedom with the responsibilities your teen might have around the house.
There are a few ways in which you might find a working balance, however. Working with your teen to discuss and schedule their responsibilities can feel much more effective than arbitrarily establishing those responsibilities by yourself. Additionally, focusing those responsibilities on the teen themself can be helpful. For example, you can make your child responsible for doing their own laundry or cleaning their own dishes–at least to start.
These responsibilities can expand. But it’s important to talk with your teen about which responsibilities they feel are fair to take on. It doesn’t mean you always need to agree with them–but you should be open to what they have to say. That way, you can work together to establish expectations for teens in your home.
Keeping a Growth Mindset
In order to grow, your teen must experiment. And in order to experiment, your teen needs to feel safe failing. This means ensuring that your home is a safe space for your teen physically, emotionally, and socially. At this age, your teen requires support–someone who is always on their side.
After all, the purpose of your child’s teenage years is to grow–so maintaining that growth mindset can help you establish expectations that further this goal.
This is sometimes easier said than done–and getting some expert help is often a good idea. You can discuss how to set realistic expectations with your teen’s pediatrician. Schedule some time to do that by contacting us and making an appointment at our Northbrook or Chicago offices!