A new baby means lots of changes. For adults, these changes can be understood intellectually and rationally. That’s not necessarily true for toddlers, however, who can have a hard time managing the emotional weight of a brand new sibling. For young children especially, a new sibling can feel sudden and world-changing. This can result in emotional outbursts and instances of “acting out,” which can be challenging for families who are trying to establish and manage a new normal.

However, there are some things that parents can do to help prepare toddlers for a new sibling, easing the transition and fostering an environment where toddlers and infants can bond more comfortably and more successfully.

For parents, it can be challenging to know what to do when. Even something as simple as deciding when to tell your toddler that they will be an older sibling can be fraught with uncertainty. After all, there’s no instruction book for any of this! But simple steps, such as including your toddler in baby preparations, carving out special time for you and your toddler to spend together, or having honest and open discussions can make a big difference. For your toddler, a lot may be about to change. Making sure your toddler feels loved, cared for, and appreciated is something that can be a significant source of consistency and comfort.

When and How to Introduce the Idea of a New Sibling

For parents about to welcome a new sibling to the family, the first challenge is often one of the most stressful: how and when to tell your toddler the news. The ideal timing for this will vary depending on your family’s situation and circumstances. For example, the timing of this discussion will be different for families who are expanding via adoption compared to those who are welcoming a new baby via birth.

For most parents and caregivers, your first instinct may be to tell your toddler about a new addition as soon as possible. After all, you may not want them learning about the news from someone else.

However, most experts agree that it’s generally a good idea to wait until the beginning of the second trimester to have that conversation with your toddler. At this point, the chance of a miscarriage or similar issue drops significantly. Which means your toddler will have to deal with less uncertainty.

How to Introduce the Idea of a New Sibling to Your Toddler

It can be challenging to know the best way to approach this conversation. There are several ways that you can gently and effectively broach the topic with your toddler:

• Give your toddler something concrete to latch on to: Showing your toddler pictures of the ultrasound of their new sibling can help do this. 

• Bring up the topic through fiction: Reading a book together about adding a new sibling to the family (there are many books written specifically for this purpose). This can feel safer and lower stakes for your toddler.

• Have a frank and honest conversation: Some toddlers may respond favorably to a simple and direct conversation.

• Use toys or other visual aids: You can try introducing a new doll to your toddler, or using dolls to start the conversation about a new family member.

However you begin the conversation, it’s important to understand that your toddler may be extremely curious. They may have a lot of questions, and it’s important to treat those questions with respect and seriousness, no matter how outlanding or silly they may seem to us adults.

Involve Your Toddler in Baby Prep

One of the best ways to get your toddler to start looking forward to their new sibling is to get them involved in baby prep as soon as you’re able to. This will look different for every family, but there are some common ways you can start to do this:

• Talk about (and maybe even repeatedly act out) what daily life will look like when the baby arrives. This can include activities like meal times, bed times, naps, errands, and so on. Finding ways for your toddler to help with these activities (and “training” them to do so) can be very helpful for everyone!

• Read books about baby prep with your toddler. Be sure to choose books that are appropriate to their age level.

• Involve your toddler in aesthetic decisions. This could include preparations such as choosing nursery colors (if you’re going to have one) or picking out fun clothes for the baby. Even something as simple as helping to choose a nice blanket color for the baby can help your toddler feel more involved.

• Ask your toddler to help you pack for the baby’s arrival. This could include packing a bag for the birth or learning how to pack the diaper bag once the baby arrives.

Involving your baby in the preparations is only the first step. It’s important to continue to involve your toddler in the care of our baby after they are born. The more involved your toddler is, the more connected to your baby they will feel, and this can help prevent feelings of jealousy and abandonment. 

How to Manage Changes in Routines and Emotions

When the new baby is introduced, your toddler may experience a broad range of emotions, from curiosity to happiness to jealousy to sadness and everything in between. This is to be expected! There will certainly be changes in what your family’s day to day routines look like. Your patience and energy levels will certainly be tested, and your toddler may be especially aware of how these changes can impact them. 

Preparing your toddler (and yourself) for these changes and transitions can help make the entire experience smoother and more pleasant. To do this, balancing the changes to your daily life is important. Many parents have found success with some of the following strategies, designed to help toddlers manage changes in routine (and the strong emotions that can accompany this):

• Make sure your toddler knows that their emotions are important to you. Listen to them and offer support when they are expressing these emotions. Avoid dismissing how they are feeling.

• Get your baby used to a typical sleep schedule as quickly as you can. This will help you have the energy to deal with both children and help ensure your toddler is getting enough sleep, too. (A sleep deprived toddler is a cranky toddler.)

• Get a bjorn, sling, or carrier for your baby. Parents will need to keep an eye on their newborn consistently. A baby carrier or sling can help you do so without limiting your mobility. This means you’ll be better able to keep an eye on you baby and give plenty of attention to your toddler at the same time.

• Show your toddler that time with them is important, too. Try to show your toddler that time with them is important, too. It may seem a little silly, but declaring the commitment of your time out loud can help your toddler. Try saying something like, “I can’t play with your right now, [baby’s name]. I’m playing with [toddler’s name].” The idea here is to communicate to your toddler that there are times in which they will be the focus. 

• Get your toddler involved in taking care of the baby. How this looks and operates will vary depending on your family situation and dynamics. You can ask your toddler what they think the baby wants when they are crying. You can enlist your toddler in changing diapers or other household chores. Or they can help you pack diaper bags and other necessities. This active involvement can give your toddler a stake in your baby’s happiness, fostering a bond between the two siblings.

• Plan activities for just you and your toddler. Make sure you and your toddler are getting to spend time together, just the two of you. You’ll have to arrange trusted childcare for your infant, but doing so is critical to maintaining the bond you have with your toddler.

Every family will be different. You’ll need to take time to discover what works best for your unique situation. The main point, though, is to build in time to make sure you’re still bonding with your toddler. 

How to Prevent Jealousy and Encourage Bonding

What most parents want to ideally see is a bond form between their toddler and their new baby. Those bonds are important and can form the foundation of relationships that last for their entire life. A certain amount of this will take place naturally.

But toddlers also experience big emotions. And they may experience some jealousy. Managing this jealousy can be important and can often be achieved with some of the following strategies:

• Treat your toddler’s feelings seriously, Try not to dismiss them.

• Avoid blaming the baby for how you prioritize your time.

• Ensure that you are making time to continue bonding with your toddler.

• Involve your toddler as much as possible in the daily life of your baby.

• Practice calm. It’s going to be stressful, but the calmer you can be, the better you’ll be able to handle everything.

• Don’t skip the important daily rituals and routines you have with your toddler.

However you approach the matter, there will be trials and tribulations along the way. This is a hard transition, both for you and your toddler. Taking some proactive steps throughout the process can make this big transition easier, more manageable, and more enjoyable.

If you have concerns about introducing your toddler to their new sibling, you can always discuss this with your toddler’s pediatrician during their regular wellness visit. If your child is already a patient at Children’s Healthcare Associates, you can make an appointment at our Northbrook or Chicago offices today.